LOG LINE: An uplifting action comedy about two wayward cops and a brilliant, geeky girl who are destined to find themselves tangled in an inconceivable terrorist plot to detonate thousands of explosives planted in countless homes by the most infamously underground criminal society Germany has ever known, the BADER-MEINKOPF GANG or BMG. 

Act One:

Scene opens within a dark and spooky environment full of shadows, foggy smoke and sounds of random gunfire and fighting. As the smoke clears it appears to be a deadly hide and seek/hunt and kill scenario between two groups of men.  As we get a closer look we see some men wearing a red “ATT” armband while others have a blue “ATT” armband (Anti-Terror Task-force bureau).  One by one, the men kill each other using various spy-like methods as well as the standard shooting and stabbing.

HAUKE JONES, wearing a red armband continues moving closer to the PRIZE, killing anyone that gets in his way.  DAVID HAVERKAMP, wearing a blue armband, appears to be protecting the prize killing all coming towards it.  

Unexpectedly, the two come face to face and it’s obvious they are the last two survivors of this deadly race.  Without warning DAVID shoots HAUKE in the left arm and both are surprised by it. HAUKE then shoots DAVID in the arm which holds the gun.  The gun falls to the ground.  DAVID gestures to it as HAUKE shoots him in the leg.  Then the other arm and then the other leg.  DAVID falls to the ground cursing unintelligibly all the way.  Lying on his back he continues verbally abusing HAUKE until his last breath.  HAUKE says something smug and walks valiantly towards the PRIZE.  Before reaching it however,  he receives a call on his mobile phone and his trademark 48 Hours ring tone is heard.  Answering the call, he clumsily trips a wire causing some explosion, ending him as well.  

The brief moment of silence following the blast is interrupted by a voice over a loud speaker, “Mission incomplete!  All operatives eliminated!  Mission incomplete!” Just then, lights come on revealing a large warehouse facility and the many people pretending to be dead, slowly get up.  Disgruntled and tired, both blue and red team members approach HAUKE and DAVID harassing them on their way out for each of their roles in failing the mission training manoeuvres despite being dead themselves.  HAUKE and DAVID eventually stand alone, dejected.  HAUKE’s mobile phone rings again.

Officially established as the ‘losers’ of the new recruits, the Chief decides to pair them up in the name of damage control. The literally ‘by the book’ and super stylish HAUKE and the dirty and rough around the edges DAVID who also moonlights as a semipro comedian, are constantly rattled by the other recruits, and reluctantly bond becoming good friends, eventually calling themselves THE UNDERDOGS.

Act Two:

While having the degrading job of screening the typically dead-end anonymous tips, HAUKE and DAVID accidentally discover a gang styled execution while visiting a female callers address.

Inspecting the bodies which all lay face down, HAUKE reacts strangely while turning over one of the corps.  A moment later, DAVID has a similar experience only he takes a stab at making a joke about it.  HAUKE shows his disgust.  As they frantically turn over the corpses, it’s revealed that each has had it’s face acidic-ly removed.  HAUKE also recognizes a wrist tattoo on one of the faceless victims and appears to be strangely affected by the sight of it.

Suddenly the telephone rings breaking the still. Unsure what to do next DAVID tells HAUKE to answer the phone.  No, you answer it, HAUKE says. This goes on back and forth a few times before HAUKE pulls out his trusty ATT handbook searching for a solution.  HAUKE reads aloud, telephone calls arriving or originating from a crime scene can and should be considered as important evidence.  Then answer the damn phone, spouts DAVID.  HAUKE gestures NO and continues reading so DAVID, frustrated, picks up the receiver and says, hello.  A tiny, frantic voice spews out of the mono speaker. What the hell took you so long?  I could be dead by now! 

MEIKE MÜLLER, the 28 year old German computer programmer that lives in the apartment is on the telephone.  While hiding and fearing for her life, she called the ATT because she believes she’s discovered a sinister terrorist plot being executed by the infamous Bader-Meinkopf Gang alias BMG.  Convinced of her predicament, our task-force wannabes decide to meet her.  

Along the way they witness what appears to be an assault in an alley between a POLICE OFFICER and a guy wearing a cheap suit while still another guy lies unconscious on the ground in his underwear.  Our heroes roll up with guns drawn towards the guy in the cheap suit.  Man, am I glad to see you guys, says the POLICE OFFICER.  The guy in the cheap suit claims to be a police officer too but has no ID.  The POLICE OFFICER suddenly runs off saying he’s gone to call for back up.  Our heroes notice the semi-nude guy on the ground.  What’s with that guy?  Who the hell is he?

The guy in the cheap suit tries to explain again that he is an off duty cop and he just came out of the strip joint located behind them to find his partner’s uniform being stolen right off his back.  DAVID has a look at the guy up close and recognizes he is a real cop.  Just then the semi-nude guy wakes and stands up.  Realizing that HAUKE and DAVID have let the bad guy get away, the guy in the cheap suit and the semi-nude guy lay into HAUKE and DAVID reminding them what losers they are.

Later, HAUKE and DAVID meet MEIKE MÜLLER at her studio.  MEIKE educates the two about the history of the Bader-Meinkopf Gang and about their latest terrorist plan that she discovered when being BCC’d in BMG e-mails intended for her step-brother who was desperately trying to quit the group. She believes BMG traced her mail server and eventually found her home address.  Since they arrived at her flat and killed her step-brother, dog and his friends, MEIKE is assumed to be dead. 

While everyone stares into MEIKE’s laptop, DAVID stares somewhat interestingly at MEIKE while she appears to be transfixed on HAUKE.  HAUKE seems only interested in the laptop which displays a file about BMG and a wallpaper of Chip & Dales models.

Back at the Anti-Terror Task-force bureau HAUKE plans to get support from the Chief during the daily mission planning session.  While the Chief discusses security for the INAUGURAL MEETING OF THE NATIONS, scheduled to take place in their city, THE CHIEF receives an announcement that another officer’s uniform was stolen.  This time a woman.  We have better things to do with our time and resources than to worry about some freak stealing clothes, barks THE CHIEF. THE CHIEF points out that they would have captured this guy already if not for HAUKE and DAVID’s incompetence.  THE UNDERDOGS are once again the underdogs.

HAUKE considers it now to be a good time to tell the Chief about the Bader-Meinkopf Gang and their diabolical plan. DAVID on the other hand, thinks it’s the worst possible moment so they argue about it thus attracting the Chief and the other agents attention. 

DAVID sinks into his seat as HAUKE attempts to explain the whole set up.  Unfortunately, HAUKE’s German speaking mistakes creates a funny explanation instead of the highly serious one that it really is. After heartily laughing the Chief and other agents find the story ridiculous actually threatening to discontinue their ATT internship if they continue with such nonsense. 

During the ‘ass-chewing’ HAUKE receives one of his typical, recurring phone calls on his mobile phone from stressy MEIKE.  The calls always seem to come at the wrong time.  THE CHIEF yells even more at the two.  HAUKE attempts to apologize but ends up using some other bad word he’s learned from DAVID and insults the Chief instead.  The chief suspends HAUKE. Acting in his partners defence DAVID only makes matters worse getting himself suspended as well.

The three meet later at a bar to drown their sorrows.  At one point each person shares something deep and personal about themselves.  DAVID expresses his true desire to be a comic genius.  MEIKE admits that she’s still a physical virgin and never had a real relationship yet she’s had online affairs and video sex.  HAUKE has a tremendously difficult time sharing a secret of his own.  After being put in the spot he manages to share his insecurity when talking German to an authoritative figure.  Is that all you got, asks MEIKE.  You got more problems than that my friend, exclaims DAVID.

Realizing what a giant case this could be they all agree to work together to foil the BMG’s plan.  HAUKE and DAVID would surely become respected Anti-Terrorist Task-force operatives and MEIKE would have revenge for the death of her brother, dog and friends.  HAUKE and DAVID decide to make MEIKE an official honorary member of the elite group of recruits that want to be ATT operatives someday, THE UNDERDOGS.

Thanks to MEIKE’s brilliant research THE UNDERDOGS learn that BMG owns several service companies and what they’re doing is installing incendiary bombs with super blue-tooth receivers in every customers house, later to be detonated at will via a centrally located high-powered server.  

THE UNDERDOGS go undercover working for a BMG door to door vacuum cleaner sales company to discover and retrieve a receiver and a bomb to better understand what they are up against. HAUKE has a horrific time trying to sell his customers a vacuum cleaner mostly due to the fact that the bad German he unknowingly uses (and always at the wrong time) creates many embarrassing and offensive moments.  MEIKE corrects HAUKE’s language handicap and the two become better friends through the experiences sharing secrets with one another. 

Next, they work at a BMG heating company to track an installed mini-server to mainframe gateway in hopes to locate the high powered server.  DAVID attempts to entertain the customers with an impromptu stand-up comedy routine while MEIKE and HAUKE hot wire the mini-server.  

DAVID confronts HAUKE wondering what’s going on between MEIKE and him.  HAUKE asks DAVID if he’s jealous or something. No fucking way!  She’s a geek!  She ain’t even my type, denies DAVID.  He then dismisses the instance trying to hide behind another of his bad jokes.  HAUKE receives a phone call from his lover which puts DAVID at some ease.

Finally their information points them to a satellite TV installation company where they believe the BADER MEINKOPF GANG headquarters is located and where the final detonation command could be given.  DAVID is certain that it is there where the final show down will go down and he wants the team to be ready.

THE UNDERDOGS begin training.  HAUKE and DAVID teach MEIKE about gun play and self defence.  MEIKE teaches the guys how to use computer technology and wireless communication tools to use explosives.  At some point HAUKE’s lover calls and he disappears. MEIKE and DAVID are alone for the first time.  MEIKE, who generally speaks to DAVID by his last name saying things such as; HAVERKAMP, you smell funny, or HAVERKAMP, you’re not funny, manages to say something nice to DAVID thanking him for helping her to get revenge on her step-brother, dog and his friend’s killers.  The awkward moment signifies some mutual interest in each other as they manage to get close almost kissing when HAUKE unexpectedly returns.  Both are cold glaring at HAUKE. What the hell did I do?

When arriving at the TV station THE UNDERDOGS are taken by surprise.  The challenge they expected to have entering the facility was greatly overestimated.  Every body is dead already and surprisingly enough, without faces.  MEIKE freaks out and screams.  Her scream makes one of the bodies across the room move.  HAUKE and DAVID rush to the badly deformed individual as he tries to speak without a face.  HAUKE and DAVID struggle to understand without any success as he flutters, points and grunts.  HAUKE refers to his ATT handbook and reads aloud, when a witness experiences difficulties speaking or is difficult to understand, try writing using pencil and paper.  You may also use a pen.

DAVID grabs a pen and paper off the desk.  The victim struggles to scribble. They’ve got the girl stupid, reads the message. The faceless guy dies.  DAVID looks curiously at the dead guy. He was pointing at something, wasn’t he? HAUKE is transfixed on the guys wrist tattoo. DAVID spies the monitor above. Look, he yells.  On the surveillance camera they see MEIKE being forced to leave with two POLICE OFFICERS.  Well,  that’s a relief. She’s in good hands, bouts HAUKE.  DAVID glares at him.  What? DAVID tries hard to remain calm but explodes, Those aren’t cops you idiot!  It’s Bader and Meinkopf! 

HAUKE and DAVID engage in a high speed car chase following Bader and Meinkopf through various suburbs.  Bader and Meinkopf  have some sort of detonator in the car as they randomly blow up houses on the right and left sides of the street creating debris making it difficult for HAUKE and DAVID to keep up with them.

HAUKE’s mobile phone rings as another house explodes.  As always, it’s his stressy lover.  After the typical, oh hi honey yeah everything’s fine or, that noise, um that’s just play station, he asks his lover the name of a particular club they went to together some years ago.  Bader and Meinkopf escape with MEIKE and the chase ends.

Having a plan yet needing to go it alone, HAUKE gets away from DAVID. DAVID however, thinking it strange that HAUKE needs to do something alone naturally follows him to, ZEITGEIST.  HAUKE disappears into the club while DAVID remains outside. After walking the length of the club HAUKE finds what he’s looking for. It’s a handsome guy with a tattoo on his wrist. The guy recognizes HAUKE and gestures him into a back room.  

DAVID enters the smoky and sweaty club.  He has difficulty seeing clearly as his glasses fog up.  He spies what appears to be a nice bum following it up to a man’s head.  He’s taken back for a moment. He doesn’t fully realize he is in the middle of a hard core gay club where any women around are transsexuals.  He continues to the back of the club finding himself walking into the back room where he discovers some guy getting a blow job.  Whoa, sorry buddy…don’t let me interrupt. Shocked, the guy turns around and sees DAVID.  From behind the guys mid section pokes HAUKE’s head.  DAVID looks down at HAUKE like he’s seen a ghost.  Speechless he fumbles his way out of the room.  Making his way out of the club he finally realizes the extreme sexual diversity he is in the middle of.

HAUKE approaches DAVID to explain what happened.  DAVID behaves cold and unfriendly not wanting to hear anything.  And all this time I thought you were after MEIKE, says DAVID.  MEIKE!  MEIKE’s one of my two best friends!  She’s an UNDERDOG for Christ’s sakes, replies HAUKE!  And what about your lover?  She calls you ten fucking times a day! HAUKE remarks, who ever said she was a she? DAVID rolls his eyes. Now I’m really going to be sick, he says.  And what about me, huh?  You lied to your partner!  How am I suppose to trust you with my life if I can’t even trust you?

After HAUKE explains that he did what he did so that he could get the information needed to find MEIKE, DAVID naturally forgives him for lying and they get on with the mission. Well,  just don’t expect me to suck some cock if you ever get kidnapped, says DAVID.

HAUKE has learned that Bader-Meinkopf have been hiding out in different police stations as well as installing dozens of tiny blue-tooth mines throughout the precincts and they are currently at ATT Headquarters’s from which they have been suspended. HAUKE has the bright idea to go to the station and save everyone.  DAVID reminds him that the Chief will kill them both if they show their faces there.  HAUKE suggests a disguise. 

Act Three:

HAUKE and DAVID arrive at the precinct disguised as two woman officers under cover as prostitutes.  At one point they are approached by a couple of ATT recruits (Silberberg & Kruger) that have always been mean to HAUKE and DAVID.  Not recognized by Silberberg & Kruger, they attempt to ‘pick up’ the undercover Underdogs.  HAUKE appears to enjoy the flirting and flaunting while DAVID is clearly on the edge of punching them both.

DAVID sees the Chief talking to two POLICE OFFICERS and notices an envelop changing hands.  THE CHIEF puts it in his coat pocket.  Do you see what I see, asks DAVID?  THE CHIEFs talking to Bader-Meinkopf!  They’ve got MEIKE!  You follow them and I’ll deal with THE CHIEF, says DAVID.

DAVID enters THE CHIEFS office momentarily forgetting he’s a sexy female cop undercover as a prostitute until he notices how THE CHIEF reacts to him.  So, you’re interested in joining the ATT?  I’m the one you have to sweet talk, says  THE CHIEF.  He is immediately attracted to DAVID’s disguise and it isn’t long before he asks DAVID on a date.  At one point he gets so near it’s clear that he wants to kiss DAVID. Just think of MEIKE.  Do it for MEIKE, DAVID chants to himself. THE CHIEF lays a wet one on DAVID and at that moment DAVID is able to lift the envelop (USB Memory Stick) out of THE CHIEF’S coat pocket.

HAUKE follows Bader-Meinkopf into the basement of the Precinct. I never knew this place existed, says HAUKE to himself.  In the basement there are many ancient looking cells holding a variety of innocent looking people both young and old.  At the end of the hall Bader-Meinkopf stops to talk to a prisoner.  HAUKE knows it’s MEIKE.  Drawing his gun he forces Bader-Meinkopf to open the cell. MEIKE has a black/blue eye.  What happened to your eye, asks DAVID?  She did, MEIKE squawks pointing at the WOMAN COP!  Just then HAUKE’s phone rings distracting him.  Bader-Meinkopf make their move kicking the gun out of HAUKE’s hand and a struggle begins. MEIKE turns and hits the WOMAN COP in the face.  Her face flies off revealing she’s been wearing a mask covering her faceless head.  HAUKE wrestles the MAN COP into the cell and slams the door just as the MAN COP removes his mask as well.  Both MEIKE and HAUKE are jumpy from the creepiness of it all.  After asking if everyone has a real face and no wrist tattoos, MEIKE and HAUKE free the other prisoners.

Using the information on the USB Memory Stick, MEIKE’s figured out that there is no real Bader-Meinkopf and it’s all just a code name for an elaborate terror operation.  The real boss is THE CHIEF of the ATT.  The real mission is to control the countries of the INAUGURAL MEETING OF THE NATIONS  first by taking the Delegates as hostages and then demonstrating the might of Bader-Meinkopf. MEIKE struggles to reprogram THE CHIEF’S hard-line controller of the high powered server and satellite and to disable the unbelievably vast global network of tiny blue tooth mines strategically implanted throughout the worlds suburbs before it’s too late.  MEIKE also believes that by triangularly harnessing the signal power from the many blue tooth mobile phones and wireless devices which will inevitably be present at the INAUGURAL MEETING OF THE NATIONS, she can jam the signal from THE CHIEFS mobile detonator.  That means that THE UNDERDOGS will have to place themselves in close proximity around THE CHIEF.  MEIKE warns the others that she’s not sure if the plan will work.  What happens when it backfires, asks HAUKE? MEIKE replies, then thousands of cell phones are gonna simultaneously combust.

Later at the INAUGURAL MEETING OF THE NATIONS THE UNDERDOGS have new disguises and are in positions around the THE CHIEF.   THE CHIEF takes the floor and appears to be some sort of psychopath when addressing the panel of Delegates with an over-the-top sinister monologue, threatening them and their way of life.  MEIKE sends an SMS to HAUKE and DAVID telling them to electronically search for Blue Tooth devices with their cell phones. An incredible long list of available Blue Tooth connections appears on each of their cell phones. 

At the peak of THE CHIEF’s terror speech he withdraws a strange looking mobile device.  The detonator. He plans to blow up random buildings around the world displaying his power and proving his might thus solidifying fear in the Delegates and the global audience watching the INAUGURAL MEETING OF THE NATIONS on TV.  Before detonation, MEIKE pushes the EXECUTE button on her cell phone before THE CHIEF pushes his button.  As THE CHIEF and the world expect something to happen, nothing does.  THE CHIEF panics and pushes his button again, and again, and again.  Still nothing happens.  One moment later MEIKE’s telephone starts to vibrate and smoke.  Ah oh, says MEIKE worrying.  HAUKE and DAVID’s phone react the same as they throw them to the ground they bounce around while smoking. Suddenly, every Blue Tooth phone and mobile device in the place starts vibrating and smoking, eventually exploding with a small harmless flash and popping sound.  Thousands of other Blue Tooth phones around the country seem to suffer the same consequence.

HAUKE and DAVID move in to arrest THE CHIEF.  Freeze CHIEF, in the name of the Anti-Terror Task-force you are hereby placed under arrest, exclaim HAUKE and DAVID in perfect unison.  As the crowd cheers other officers move in for back up.

After all the excitement HAUKE, DAVID and MEIKE stand alone together taking in the days events and enjoying having saved the world.  Suddenly HAUKE’s trademark ring tone is heard except it sounds completely screwy.  THE UNDERDOGS look to the ground spying HAUKE’s debauched mobile phone.  HAUKE walks to it and tramples it with his boot.  The ringing ends.


Tall Tales
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